MOM IS DUMB
The kid who shits himself has done it again!
My name is Martín Zamora Perdulí.
I live at 25, Bustamante St, in a city called Palencia,...
...with a P,...
...Spain, Europe,...
...the World,...
...the Universe.
I often think that I'm a country,...
...and have a king every year.
I make the kings myself,...
...because I like making models out of erasers.
And then I have more friends.
Porthos, Athos, D'Artagnan...
...and The Croucher .
And one girlfriend called Wendy, and another called Victoria.
It's all imaginary, but I like it.
My father is called Toribio Zamora.
He used to be a car worker,...
...but he was laid off and now he's unemployed.
Mom's called Gema Perdulí.
She used to work in a haberdashery.
She never made high school.
My parents always make fools of themselves,...
...and I'm ashamed of them.
They're very good to everyone,...
...but I get ashamed when I think about them.
That's how I am, there isn't much more.
""All right, that"s 1 70 pesetas.""
But now comes the good part. Read it and you"ll see.
The wiseguys says,...
...""As you"re so American and so ""Pitinglis"",...
...I"ll let you have it for the special price of 1 70 dollars.""
And look at what it says here beside Mr. Pitinglis.
""Sucker!""
A sucker, and him so important!
Do you think they"ll like it?
It should be about telephones.
The Jardieles are coming to see the telephone.
We really needed it.
Now that we"ve got a telephone,...
...all we need is a job.
You"re silly! The same old story.
They told us at the Job Center.
Telephone equals job.
Come on, phone Carmina and Jardiel!
We have to celebrate this!
Wait a second, I have to find the number.
Time"s up!
A second is a second!
Hey, you don"t even have to use coins!
Carmina, are you at home? This is Gema.
Guess how I"m talking to you. On the telephone!
They put it in yesterday, and we got the line today.
Without that, it"s like barking at the moon!
We"re in the book. It says Zamora Díaz, T.
T for Toribio. And the address.
4, Higinio Mangas St.
It doesn"t put the city,...
...because, obviously, everyone who"s listed, is from here.
Anyway, Toribio and I want you to come for supper on Friday...
...to see the telephone.
No, I won"t accept any excuses. You"re always doing this.
Well, leave it for another day.
Then just come for a while,...
...and we"ll have a snack instead of supper. That way...
Yes, we"ll all be together.
It"ll be more like a family thing, kind of central.
That"s great! So it"ll be the five of us.
""The Five Get Into Trouble"", Enid Blyton.
The five of diamonds, in the pack.
What"s the soccer team called? _ La Cultural. _
_And the bus company? _Tupasa.
La Cultural, La Cultural...
You... Go right in.
This is very simple.
I"m Ana Cooper.
This is Enrique Rebarrero.
Tati Sanz, Rafa Orovio.
Lucía is at the end, and Jesús Ortega, ""Chechu"".
We"ve come here in order to set up TeleHere,...
...a television channel which will be local, plural, open,...
...participative, and, above all,...
...very, very young, dynamic,...
...and creative.
What else?
We"ll be broadcasting over an area of two kilometers.
But I"m not going to do all the talking.
I"m sick of my own voice.
We have with us Manuel Ayllón,...
...whom you already know from his work...
...on the Culture and Youth Council,...
...and who has been of great help to us...
...in getting this started.
Toribio, come here!
Hurry!
_Can"t you see it? Yeah! _
Now you mention it...
Doesn"t it look...
...as if people are walking in time with that song?
And it even seems...
...like they"re singing it to themselves.
I was about to say that!
The other day, on the radio,...
...they explained what the words of the song mean.
It"s beautiful.
It"s all about a boy who really misses his girlfriend.
She"s in another country, another city, I don"t know.
And he misses her so much.
And I get the impression...
...that the people go along the street...
...thinking of that song, and of their sweethearts.
Those poor guys.
Where are their sweethearts?
It"s so nice here.
We"re so lucky to be together.
And I love you very much too.
They"re here!
Hide that!
If everything were in order,...
...you wouldn"t be walking over cigarette ends and papers today.
The cleaning lady requested time off for a serious matter,...
...and, obviously, I can"t tell you what that was,..
...but I couldn"t refuse her.
Unimportant details.
Well, everything is important.
But, in particular, the croquettes waiting outside,...
...because, if I may say so,...
...it"s now 7.00 p.m. and time to eat.
I"ve got a question.
Speak a little louder, please.
How much was paid to the former National Planning Institute...
...for these premises?
This building only belonged to the NPI...
...until City Hall bought it two years ago.
They let us have it at a special price...
...because we"ll be creating jobs.
A large quota of our staff will be from here.
City Hall proposed we employ them...
...in exchange for a special rent,...
...and we were delighted to accept.
Isn"t this channel called TeleHere?
But how much?
I only talk about money with my enemies.
This is the snack I"ve prepared. It"s just a few things.
Drawing is certainly a good hobby.
We do it occasionally.
But this husband of mine does it amazingly well.
And then he reads it to us after we"ve had supper,...
...when the three of us are all together.
A funny one!
What"s more, it"s a good idea for the boy to get used...
...to reading.
Martín makes...
...little models with Milán Pelikán erasers.
And he uses a Filomatic knife.
He"s got such patience!
Why don"t you go and get a few of them to show us?
It"s a pity your grandchildren couldn"t have come...
...and played for a while with Martín,...
...and become good friends!
They wouldn"t be so quiet.
Come on, talk! You have to enjoy yourself.
More wine?
A whine for wine!
Is a television which makes us think...
...incompatible with entertainment?
Absolutely not.
You have our contest, ""Look what"s underneath"".
You all know...
...that it"s been a real surprise.
_Who"ll control the quota? _Not many know that the credit...
...for ""Look what"s underneath""...
...must go entirely to Enrique Rebarrero,...
...here with us tonight, an adorable scoundrel,...
...who"s worked with me for years.
Some day I"ll tell you the story.
This person here is a child prodigy.
Take a good look, he"s the only one.
Excuse me.
And to take part in the contest...
...just send in the stamped vouchers...
...given by Goyo Fishmongers for every 1,000 pesetas...
...you spend there.
You haven"t answered. _ _And don't say...
...I work with you...
...or they"ll think that"s all we do together.
This is a surprise.
Jardiel, Carmina, because you"re two wonderful friends.
So that you"ll remember us.
_That"s right! Enjoy it! _Here, let me have it.
Wait till you see it. It"s really good.
How nice.
Jokes tape.
Friday, October 1 2.
Reason for the recording.
A gift for Jardiel and Carmina who've come to see the telephone.
Hello. Number one. _
A suicide with patience.
A madman gets up on a table and says :
I'm going to jump and kill myself!
Another man is passing by and says to him:
Can't you see that if you jump off the table, which is only...
...three feet high, you won't kill yourself?
And the loony answers:
Well, I'll jump thirty times and that'll do it!
Who"ll get it?
You get it.
You get it, it might be for us.
And you say, ""One moment, please"".
The Yellow Pages are in that drawer, on the left,...
...and the normal ones are on the right.
Yes? Yes, please. Yes, that"s me.
All right.
I have to hold.
Yes, please. Yes, that"s me.
No, no, quite the opposite.
All right, tomorrow with my ID card.
Yes, I"ve got my Social Security card.
You want the number? 34,...
...a tilted line... I've got it plasticised.
Thank you, good_bye.
Excuse me, do you have cleaning stuff and all that?
All right, all right. Well, good_bye.
And thank you. Good_bye.
A job!
_I love how you"re handling it. _Thank you.
_Are there ham croquettes? _Yes, and cod too, Ayllón.
Yes, look. Ham and cod.
Julia, if there isn"t a cleaning woman here by Monday,...
...I"m going back to Madrid. OK?
Come with us.
It all went much better than I thought it would.
They"d just installed the microphones!
At least no one started shouting ""Gee up, mule"" or farting!
They really needed some proper culture here.
But I think some are on the trail.
Of what? The details. _
You can be very detailed when you want.
Yes, but it seems a bit odd that all the old questions...
...happened to come from the local paper.
Was the rent question from the Avanzada?
What"s that? _Ask Julia, she's a local.
It"s the local paper. It was set up eight years ago...
...by some men from Palencia, but I don"t know them.
Why are you being such killjoys and saying they"re suspicious?
_Who was that guy? _Ramón Picavea something.
As he"s gay, he"s called La Ramona.
But also Larra, after a Spanish journalist who killed himself.
What a crowd of yokels!
They"re fighting with the Ministry of Industry...
...over rights to the name. Venial sins.
All the better. We"ll make them mortal sins.
We"ll get ahead of them and stir up rumors...
...so if they start on us...
...nobody will believe them.
How old is Avanzada? _ _Eight.
I don"t want to hear about your details, not after all my efforts.
I won"t back off. If I make a mistake,...
...I make a mistake.
I don"t want to renounce my right...
...to make my own mistakes.
I"ll be the first to congratulate them.
With balls.
And we"ve got the Councillor.
We"ll screw them with something. It doesn"t matter what.
That the paper is cheating the Ministry of Industry...
...about this business of the names.
Those idiots on the paper are just what we needed.
We"ll let them give themselves away.
They"ll get the heave_ho, we"ll get the red carpet.
Let"s see.
When we do the news,...
...we"re going to create a specific sub_section...
...to talk about this goddam Avanzada.
Stir up the shit.
Insult whoever we have to. That"s what we"d agreed to do.
We want to be talked about.
Tati, you and Lucía start writing. Let"s see some action!
And if you start on again with your details...
...and your ""Here come the cops for us"",...
...you"re out.
You"ll put a jinx on us.
Give me a kiss.
Enrique...
The newsreaders in the photos from Total Casting in Madrid...
...are all peasants.
Fax them for a few photo albums of girls,...
...find one who"s pretty,...
...and she can read what those wise guys are up to.
If only I was in Madrid.
Well, let"s work.
The secretary.
Julia!
None of our comments is aimed at you.
It's very important to blow on the rubber...
...to get rid of the flakes...
...when you're making a model...
...out of erasers.
Some people use a magnifying glass,...
...but I don't need one because I can still see well...
...and I prefer not to.
I"m so nervous about tomorrow.
I dreamed that Sting was called José María Sting...
...and he lived in a very narrow house, and I said to him,...
...""Don José María, this house is so narrow, you can"t get fat.""
And more and more people started to arrive,...
...and he started throwing coins left, right and center.
He was just like a kid.
The thing is, recently,...
...I"ve been spending a lot of money.
Well, we"ve got 37, 200 pesetas to last us until you get paid.
At this rate,...
...I"ll have to try that contest, ""Look what"s... whatsit"".
I was going to say that.
It"s very easy to win.
You just have to look at the ads, people get it right away.
They might give you glasses, or a computer,...
...or a trip to Portugal,...
...or all three things.
All you have to do is send in one of those vouchers...
...that they give you in Goyo Fishmongers with a stamp.
I"ll bring you one.
It"d be much easier...
...if Martín, with one of his erasers,...
...made us a stamp and we could send in more.
This one... She would do. _
This one who looks completely dumb.
If she goes off...
And this monster! _ Count me out. _
You asked for it. I'll have the first one. _
Stupid! How do you know she wasn"t shitting herself...
...when they took the photo.
A few centimeters from this beautiful little belly...
...a huge turd could be held prisoner.
You listen to me. Just two centimeters from this.
Or do they ask them to fast before the photo"s taken?
No.
Or you could choose parts of each one.
Look, it"s great. Choose.
From here to here, this one.
The little wrinkle in the neck from the other.
From behind, one that came earlier.
And this one"s hair, but even more of it.
You"re going to lift the album with your dick.
None of these are any good.
You"ve got my chopper all stirred up and ready to go.
But as you"re so gay and homogay,...
...lesbian hunk.
When you drool it smells of milky coffee.
_You should take some gum. _No, I"ve got a bad tooth.
Exactly, my ears are hurting from how your mouth hurts.
Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Come on.
Hey!
You"re not supposed to play with that!
Can"t you see you"re not supposed to play with that?
I know it isn"t a guitar.
How do they look?
Kind of so so. _
You put them on.
Don"t they look good on you?
You"re from here, right?
Since I was born, 1 00%%% local.
No, no, keep the glasses.
I like...
...how your face is so round.
Do you see the collection of peasants we've got here!
We've got our star for the spot on the Avanzada.
_Is she pretty? _She's ugly.
You can smell the bleach as soon as you see her.
What do we get out of it?
We give her 29 pesetas a month and she's as happy as can be.
She'll fill the quota of yokels.
In a month or two, when everything's settled down,...
...we'll tell her ''good_bye''.
Remember Portugal six years ago. It's risky.
Portugal! She's the best one.
She'll cover the Avanzada with her smell of dirty spongemops.
''I know it isn't a guitar!''
But...
Why are you wearing that thing?
I didn"t know if I had to keep cleaning...
...until I started with the news, or what.
You"re a TeleHere presenter.
Get Tati to show you everything.
Well, I saw everything during the six days I was cleaning.
After a while, you"ll see that a project like this is...
...much more than a few floors.
Listen, Ana.
I wore the overall because I still can"t believe it.
Thank you so very much.
From I was fourteen until just after my 1 6th birthday,...
...I went to 1 o"clock mass for a year and a half...
...to see a boy I never spoke to.
Thank you so much.
Almost two years, and all I ever found out was his address.
At half an hour each mass, that"s like a forty_hour mass.
I took two hours to get ready.
1 60 hours working on getting myself ready.
Like spending a whole week without sleep...
...just to look pretty.
Thank you so much.
For if he still lives in Palencia,...
...he might even see me on the TV.
And if I meet him one day,...
...and I remember his face as if it were in front of me,...
...we might just get round to talking.
Thank you so much.
People do things for those kinds of reasons.
To talk with the apparition of the eighty masses,...
...one is capable of appearing on the TV or making a film.
Thank you so much.
Julia!
Could you have a new cleaning lady ready to start Monday?
Thank you!
That"s all for today. We"ll leave you with the local news.
Until tomorrow, thank you for tuning in.
""For if he still lives in Palencia,...
...he might even see me on the TV.
And if one day I meet the man from 1 o"clock mass,...
...and I remember his face as if it were in front of me,...
...we might just get round to talking. Thank you so much.""
How are you all?
The conflict continues between the Ministry of Industry...
...and the local paper, the Avanzada,...
...and it is acquiring ever greater dimensions.
This morning,...
...the newspaper presented...
...an appeal on the grounds of what were considered...
...by its representatives as inexactitudes.
M R full stop Ramón Picavea, Larra,...
...the spokesman for Avanzada,...
...has ""ansticipated"" the accusations...
...by means of an accumulation of inconsistencies...
...in the matter.
We are seeing...
...a ""crowing"" discredit for what some are already calling...
...the Avanzada affair, in a negative sense.
It hurts me now to think...
...that the time the poor woman was happiest...
...was when she looked most ridiculous.
My mother looked more and more like an idiot...
...in front of everyone.
I tried not to think about it.
One day, they found out that I made rubber stamps,...
...and they told me to stick the stamps up my ass...
...so I wouldn't shit myself,...
...and they called me a whore and a faggot.
Akier was there.
But the oddest thing in the world happened.
He didn't put me up against the wall, he smiled at me.
Before lunch, he came up and gave me 1 00 sheets,...
...which he called pamphlets or something.
One was stamped with the drawing of Goyo Fishmongers.
He gave me an orange knife...
...which cut much better than the FiIomatic.
He asked me to copy the drawing on an eraser.
But I was really scared after break time,...
...because Akier said...
...he'd phone me up to go out for a while.
I was scared Mom would answer...
...and Akier would find out...
...she was the one who looked so ridiculous on the TV.
I told him we didn't have a telephone. He didn't laugh.
It was a lie, but only by three weeks,...
...because three weeks ago we didn't have a telephone.
It made me mad to think that if it weren't for Mom...
...I'd be with Akier.
I didn't shit until I got home.
And I did it in the toilet, of course.
The secretary.
The secretary puts up our average age...
...and that pisses me off.
We all have to pay because of one woman.
We need fresh air here, a bit of utopia,...
...not a crowd of deadbeats thinking of their paypacket.
_That isn"t your fault. It is. _
Everything that happens here is my fault.
And what doesn"t happen too.
It doesn"t matter. I have the new girl.
The Avanzada one? _ _Exactly!
She"s like the others, but unconsciously, a natural.
And she"s much more effective because no one suspects her.
It all just comes out, without any effort.
And people see that. Even...
...this lot.
She"s the laughing stock of the town.
What"s her name?
God knows.
Probably...
...Mari Majadera or something, the way she looks.
Be quiet a minute.
Julia!
That new girl...
...who started reading the news on Monday...
What"s her handle? _ Pardon? _
What"s her name?
Gema. Her name"s Gema.
You must be joking. Gema!
No, it must be much worse.
Gema Perdulí.
What?
Perdulí.
Julia!
Get them to superimpose her name over her tits.
Gema...
...Perdulí!
In yellow letters, you know, with a blue shading.
So that it can be seen clearly.
They must have been so bored here...
...before we arrived!
It wasn't the only idea they had.
They only had to see the yellow and blue letters...
...for two days...
...to decide to squeeze all they could out of my mother's name.
We"ve realized that we"re not emphasizing the station"s name.
You"ll say your name...
...and simply add the channel name after your own.
It"ll look much better, and people will get to know you...
...and your channel.
For example, Amaranta.
_For TeleHere, Amaranta López. _Very good. Amazonia.
Amazonia Pérez, for TeleHere.
Terrific. Alazne.
For TeleHere, Alazne Pascual.
Good. Gema.
For TeleHere, Gema Perdulí.
Good, very good.
For TeleHere, Gema Perdulí.
For TeleHere, Gema Perdulí!
For TeleHere, Gema Perdulí.
For TeleHere, Gema Perdulí!
Everyone laughed at it.
I never said she was my mother, like Miguel Strogoff.
I had as bad a time as he did,...
...but at least they didn't hit me...
...because they were all too busy insulting Mom.
It was a lovely day.
Sitting at my desk, without having to protect myself.
Playtime passed quickly.
But Akier talked again about coming to my house...
...so we could go play table soccer.
I thought of breaking my wrist so that I couldn't play,...
...because I was so ashamed...
...to think how he'd laugh when he saw whose son I was.
Thinking of that, and then seeing them at home,...
...listening to music, unaware of everything,...
...made me very sad.
Martín!
Look at what"s on the telephone!
Just listen to the woman!
Do you know who did it?
Dad!
Tell him we should show it...
...to the TV people.
You"re just being silly.
I bet you could do it just as well.
Could you do this drawing on an eraser?
I insisted on bringing it in.
I thought the worst you could say was, No.
He did it himself? _ Yes. _
But he was very quick.
I gave him the idea of the T with the TV,...
...and he thought up the rest of the design.
I think it"s terrific.
It"s got great concepts, the appropriate presentation,...
...a good size for printing. It"s terrific.
Look.
We"ll do it.
How about 20,000 stickers in a first run?
A standard first run,...
...variable in accordance with receptivity parameters...
...among potential viewers.
Shit, I love that ""potential"" bit.
I asked a friend called Jardiel...
...who was in that business for a while,...
...and he reckoned that 5,000 would cost about...
...20,000 pesetas.
We"d use a silver background.
As we"re going for the potential...
Then it"ll cost more.
Gema...
You check it all out.
Now, remember this, ""A survey of tariffs...
...for the manufacture of D IN A 5 self adhesives... _ _ _
...on metalized bases.""
Wait a minute, I"ll write it down.
Mom started by looking at the price of the stickers.
Then she haggled over the price.
Then she discovered 1,000 were wrong.
Then she went to complain to the Consumer Council of Spain.
And then she paid for them.
Don"t be shortsighted.
Just look at it. You started as a cleaner.
They get you to present a spot.
They put your name across here so that everyone knows you.
They comission your design.
You have access to the funds.
Gema, Anita has got something lined up for you.
Something more important than you think.
Opportunities just turn up.
When we put in the telephone, it seemed an awful expense.
But if we hadn"t done it,...
...TeleHere wouldn"t have called.
You go for it! Go for it!
For once, stop being afraid of doing things,...
...and try to monopolize things a bit.
I"ll still love you.
Today I saw the box where they keep...
...the vouchers from Goyo Fishmongers...
...that are being sent in for the contest.
And I thought that if I took a big handful like that,...
...and dumped them somewhere, and then you sent in...
What? What do you mean?
Listen, if you send in a voucher with your name,...
...and if I"ve just left a few vouchers,...
...they might pull out yours and you can enter the contest.
No, no, no, I"d be too embarassed.
Just imagine giving Martín a great birthday present,...
...the kind that he"d say, ""Great, Dad, great, Mom.""
How does his stamp look?
Divine.
Very realistic. He"s talented, like his dad!
Do you know Ana Cooper is called Ana Cooper...
...because she"s a step great_granddaughter...
...of Gary Cooper. Imagine that!
They told me that as I had no friends...
...they'd put me in TeleHere's Kids' Mailbox.
Children could exchange letters through the Kids' Mailbox,...
...and...
...I remembered Akier a lot,...
...and I thought they were the ones who were lonely,...
...not me.
I only received one letter.
Luckily I got it and didn't have to show it to anyone.
It had no name on it,...
...but I knew who had sent it.
The kid might come some day asking for a keyring,...
...and be a bigger pain than his mother!
That's how our life was.
Everyone laughing at Mom and whoever was close to her.
For two weeks, I did nothing but work.
I had to do two stamps instead of one.
With Akier's knife, it was easy,...
...but I broke three because I was so nervous.
Akier told me about himself. He always wanted to be with me.
But one day something awful happened.
I saw that he was walking home with me,...
...and I didn't want Akier to know who my mother was.
I tried to play for time because I could see him coming up.
I had a brainwave,...
...and I told him I had to go somewhere.
And I felt sorry for Akier, because he was so good to me.
But I felt much sorrier for those two poor unlucky people...
...who wanted me to have all the luck.
It was my birthday in two days time,...
...and the bus had to go and stop right there.
And that's when I felt so sorry for them.
They were being so mysterious about everything,...
...so it would be a surprise,...
...and even in that they were frustrated.
All that it needed was that instead of ''Bazaar'',...
...it had said ''Ball Store'', with a ball for the O,...
...in case I hadn't seen from the bus...
...what they were going to give me.
People recognize you.
And I said to myself,...
...they'll want me to take the ball to school.
So now, not only will I be shot,...
...they'll shoot me with my own birthday ball.
And if it's expensive, which they think is bettter,...
...that's even worse,...
...because it'll be harder and hurt more.
I bet they saved up.
Then it took me an hour to walk back home.
I finished the two erasers on my birthday.
I went to give back the knife to Akier,...
...but he said that even though he didn't know when it was,...
...it was for my birthday.
I was sorry I didn't say it was today,...
...because it was,...
...and he might have sung Happy Birthday To You.
But something happened, much better than the knife,...
...and better than everything.
He was so nice that I thought I'd tell him...
...that my surname was Perdulí...
...and I was the son of that ridiculous woman.
But he went off,...
...like the good cowboys.
Look, this is his birthday and he gives us gifts!
And I had to spend my birthday, not with Akier,...
...but with them.
With them and their eraser.
Well, never let it be said that we"re meanies.
I"d be so embarassed, everyone would see me.
Seriously, we won"t send them. We"ll just put on the stamp.
The stamp, the stamp, the stamp.
People see me every day, and look how happy you are...
...walking down the street with me.
That"s rubbish.
Toribio, it was you who told me how I had to go for things,...
...and stop being afraid,...
...and make the most of opportunities.
But it"s unfair as well. Lots of people will apply,...
...and they won"t have your opportunities.
You"re really pampered in TeleHere.
This is corruption.
You"re stuck in here all day.
You don"t know how these things work.
But anyone else would take advantage of this.
What"s more, we still have the five credits from TeleHere.
Just as well,...
...because apart from the credits,...
...we"ve got something like 1 5 pesetas...
...to end the month.
And what you get paid now.
Toribio,...
...I didn"t back down...
...when they wanted to put me on TeleHere.
You told me yourself...
...that we had to monopolize things a bit.
You said that on this very sofa.
Yes, love, but I don"t know...
We start to monopolize, we end up with mono_police.
You"re like a real criminal!
You must think we"re Bonnie and Clyde or something.
The belt I bought yesterday cost me 1 6,000 pesetas.
That"s nothing to joke about.
But you"ll be walking around looking like a beauty queen.
Money is round, and it rolls away!
I knew you"d make a joke of it.
But this isn"t one bit funny.
And Dad said, No , for the last time.
But you could see from the start...
...that he'd say to Mom, All right,...
...let's go to this ''Look''.
Who is it? _SEUR delivery.
What SEUR? _ASEUR delivery.
What? _A deliveryfor Gema Perdulí.
You have to sign for it.
_Why? What is this? _A SEUR delivery.
_Why not use the mailbox? _Hand delivery.
Is it a letter? _ Yes. _
_There"s no stamp. All the better. _
_You want a tip? Come off it! _
""From Ramón Picavea, editor of Avanzada,...
...Palencia Edition.
...to ask if we could meet and talk.
What about today in the church of St. John Bosco?
I"ll be wearing one of those green hunting jackets.
Ramón Picavea.""
I"ll be there.
I"ts the guy from 1 o"clock mass!
I do as I"m told.
Speak to Ana Cooper politely, like you"re doing now.
I"m more polite to her than she is to me.
I don"t know what you"ve done, but there"s no smoke without fire.
You know the attacks on us are exaggerated.
I just read the news.
Don"t you notice anything odd?
How do you mean?
With the people.
You get used to the popularity.
In any case, I hardly ever go anywhere.
Now, with the TV, I might start going out more,...
...because I"ll make more friends.
That"s when I think of good jokes, when I"m with people.
Doesn"t TeleHere seem odd?
_Odd, how? _With you.
Of course I think it"s odd. No, not odd, very odd.
They appreciate me.
You were always appreciated so you don"t notice.
They give me gifts, they ask for my opinion.
If I suggest something that"s good, they accept it.
If it isn"t, they don"t, but if it is, they do.
I have a great time.
Me with them, and them with me. I can be very funny.
We have a lot of fun.
And on top of that, they"re going to pay me.
I"ll buy you a Kit_Kat.
And the other says, If you"re going to die,...
...you can"t have them!
Ramón...
You want to get something out of me, and that isn"t nice.
I don"t know a lot about companies and powers and all.
I think that if you and Ana talk it over, you"ll sort it out.
Really, in the time it takes you to eat a Kit Kat!
Ana is very approachable.
I"ve never seen her refuse to speak to anyone.
It does seem odd to me...
...that two people can be so at loggerheads.
I don"t understand.
Really, I don"t.
Come in, shit_for_brains!
Gema!
Gema, I"m so sorry!
I thought you were Enrique.
These things happen!
Someone rang for you.
Who? _He _didn't say.
No matter.
_I"ve got your design here. _Oh, good.
We"ll start handing it out at the party.
Could we do a photo_mount for the party?
That"s...
What"s a party without a photo_mount?
We all have to get our photograph taken.
We have to be careful with the letters...
...because our names have to go under our faces.
And in big letters, TeleHere.
The photographer isn"t busy next week,...
...and we"ll gain some time.
We"ll make a bit of a show with it.
We"re picking contestants for ""Look what"s underneath"",...
...for Monday"s show.
We"ll show the photos before the draw.
No, better after, like a grand finale.
You"re right.
We"ll do it at the end.
Gema...
_What did you want to tell me? Well... _
What I just told you about the photo_mount.
How very strange. Both of us always think...
...of the same thing.
Strange?
No.
It doesn"t suprise me anymore.
You always know what I want, and what to do...
...to make it happen.
Christ, what a group of clowns!
How are you all?
Well, what have we got here?
Good evening.
Ana, my husband.
Ana, Toribio. Toribio, Ana. It couldn"t be easier!
A pleasure.
The sticker"s very good. I know that you made it.
All these kisses! I"ll get jealous.
Are you a communist?
That"s Russian salad.
Hey, guys, did you see that? ""Moschito""!
Well, well, well. This is Toribio Zamora, Mr. Perdulí.
Enrique Rebarrero.
Rafa Orovio.
Tati. _What's up, man?
The opposite of down, girl.
Hello. He reminds me... _
...of José Antonio Sevilla.
Seville? In the AVE.
Didn"t you know him?
We were with him for Holy Week last year.
Doesn"t ring a bell.
Then no one will open the door.
He always wore cufflinks.
If he was in the TV sketch...
A sketch? What kind of sketch?
By Goya or Picasso?
How about that?
That Mr. Perdulí is too much.
Ayllón says his son is a draftsman. What does he say?
""Does he close windows?""
Ana!
Where"s the photo_mount?
We"ll get it later.
Well, well!
The laugh I had at Chechu and Ana when we took the photos!
They took mine in the bar.
Ana insisted on doing them there.
She said, ""Let"s go there, we can"t work on an empty stomach.""
So we went down, and I said, and it was so funny,...
...""Ana, you pay for my coffee, I"m working too!""
You"ll throw me out one of these days!
But the day of the photo,...
...at least I got the coffee for free!
What a couple! They never stop working, even at a party!
And so little Jimmy says, ""I don"t know. Do you know?""
And the teacher says, ""Of course I do"".
And little Jimmy says, ""Then why are you asking me?""
Before you drink everything, we"re going to have the draw.
Keep the city clean!
We"re going to have the draw for the Special Edition...
...of the first season of ""Look what"s underneath"".
We"d like to encourage our advertisers...
...to continue collaborating, and we also thank everyone...
...for the huge number of vouchers sent in.
And many thanks to you, Goyo.
As a fishmonger...
...you"re a catch!
Now we need a volunteer to pull out one of the cards.
So, Gema Perdulí, for TeleHere, come up on stage!
It"s all yours!
Those who aren"t chosen...
...should know that...
...there can only be two contestants.
But the important thing is to play.
Toribio...
...Zamora.
Who"s the guy everyone"s laughing at?
You"d never guess.
Give him an opponent.
Aker...
No. Akier... Bestria...
No. Beristiaín.
Nine years old.
N 2, May 2nd Street.
That"s it. Monday...
...is the big day.
Akier Beristiaín and Toribio Zamora.
Don"t let me see any food or drink left over.
_Ana, Mr. Perdulí... God is on our side. _
No one is to touch Mr. Perdulí, all right?
He"s for me.
Monday, he"ll be on ""Look what"s underneath""
We"ll do a special edition which will be really special!
People will change the name of the contest!
""Look what"s under Toribio""!
Tati,...
...get the photo_mount and hide it.
If Gema sees it, Monday is ruined.
Where can I put it? Gema is always snooping around...
...and poking into places.
Except for one.
The men"s toilet.
No, the broom closet.
It"s the only place she hasn"t gone back to.
Gema, first of all,...
...they rang me this afternoon...
...to say they weren"t able to frame the photo_mount for today.
Oh, well.
I blew them out, and called them every name.
We won"t have it till Monday. 1,000 pardons.
It doesn"t matter.
Secondly...
If you wanted Toribio to be in the contest,...
...why didn"t you say so? You"re idiots.
Tell me why. I"ve apologized!
I don"t want him to go.
Gema.
Really!
What annoys me...
...is that you didn"t have enough trust in me to tell me.
I thought we were friends.
Don"t do this to me again.
Don"t do it again.
I"m trying to create a good team spirit...
...and I find this mistrust.
I"m sorry.
Oh, come on, come on. Don"t go like that on me.
What"s the matter?
I cheated!
My son used an eraser and a Filomatic...
...and he made a Goyo Fishmongers stamp,...
...and I sent you 300 vouchers...
...and I tricked you.
Fuck!
You"re making yourself look really bad.
But don"t look even worse by saying the draw is invalid.
But you trusted me completely,...
...and look at how I pay you back.
I don"t care, I don"t care. Really I don"t,...
...as long as you don"t ruin the draw.
What a cheat you are!
I must buy him some shoes this week.
Gema, ""Look..."" is this Monday.
That"s right! It"s the day after tomorrow.
No one will see his shoes.
They"ll only see him from here up.
So, the jacket.
The woollen one.
Get him to wear the one he wore today, all right?
All right.
What can I do to cheer up that face?
I"m so embarassed.
I"ll make you the slave of the singer.
All right.
I don"t know, I can"t remember.
Aser, Aker, Akier...
He"s just like our boy.
Well, if the other guy"s only nine,...
...I might beat him.
Don"t they give you a video console?
Computers are real important now.
Well, if they give you a video,...
...it isn"t a bad consol ation prize! _
_I"ll go for doughnuts. _No, I"ll go.
_Then I have to go to the TV. _But this is Sunday.
_But I still have to go. What for? _
Something silly.
It"s really so stupid.
Julia doesn"t have an office.
She"s got a desk in the middle of the hall.
And she"s got a little potted plant.
So that it wouldn"t get ruined at the party,...
...do you know what she did?
Who"s Julia? _Ana's secretary.
She put it in the desk drawer so it wouldn"t get ruined,...
...and told me to go and take it out today,...
...in case it suffocates!
You"ll be a real ""leaf"" saver!
As if I was the secretary"s secretary!
Did I never talk about her?
No, you talked about Tati, Orovia, Luci...
The truth is, no one ever talks about her.
She isn"t very important.
I think she"ll get the boot any day.
With those stupid ideas she gets!
I think you can see that Julia has never been happy there.
And if Ana sees that Julia isn"t happy, she"ll let her go.
Ana sees everything.
Ana knows more about everyone else...
...than they do themselves.
I wanted a photo_mount, she read my thoughts,...
...and she told me to go ahead.
I wanted you to compete in ""Look..."",...
...and again she told me to go ahead.
Even though I tricked her with the vouchers.
Ana Cooper sees everything.
Ana forgives everything.
Ana Cooper works a bit like the way God does.
Today we could...
I"m a bit nervous.
All right, but later, when I come back.
Listen. I'_m all ears. _
Tomorrow, don"t say too many silly things.
May I have the key to the drawer?
I"m sorry, but I"ve got orders not to give the keys to anyone!
It was Julia who sent me, so I don"t...
Julia or Julio, it"s all the same. Who is she?
She"s Julia, the lady who sits here.
She"s Anita"s secretary.
What Anita?
Go wherever you want.
The keys are in the broom closet,...
...but don"t expect me to take you there!
I know where the broom closet is.
BIG ...HORE
It looks good.
I made up this prayer myself.
Long live the Virgin and God.
Keep us, oh Lord, in your faith, with no half measures,...
...and don't let us stop going to mass.
How glorious you are.
We must pray more.
We mustn't commit sins.
Guard us all, and make us always love...
...without any ifs or buts. Amen.
What"s wrong?
Be quiet!
I knew something was wrong. What is it?
Nothing.
He"s turned down the radio. _ What? _
He"s turned it off to hear us! _ Who? _
He"s turned on the light! He"s listening to us!
What does he think? That we"re idiots?
Idiots? Idiots? Idiots?
What do you think? Do you think we"re idiots?
Hello!
Hello again.
Every day, more of us are greeting each other like that.
Everyone imitates us.
Now, be quiet. It"s...
...two thirty.
Enjoy your lunch.
Have you seen how nice the photo_mount looks?
Today we have a very young contestant,...
...his name is Akier, he"s nine years old,...
...and he attends Maravillas School.
He"s a bachelor,...
...but won"t be for long, because he"s real handsome.
Hello.
Are you a bachelor?
No, I"ve been hooked already.
Got a girlfriend?
A wife.
Toribio Zamora doesn"t work.
The poor guy looks a real sight!
He always looks like that, on the TV or off it!
_Happily married? Yes. _
What I said about being hooked was a joke.
Very happily married.
But I don"t deserve any medals. It"s easy to love my wife.
It would be hard not to love her.
No matter how I try to weigh up my life, it"s always positive.
My wife balances out everything else,...
...however bad it is.
What a slob he is, but how he comes across.
Just knowing you love her is great.
If, on top of it, that woman is your wife,...
...it"s just great.
So it"s... _You all _know how to play.
We"ve prepared some ads...
...which appear in magazines and on the TV.
Our contestants look at them, think about them,...
...study them with some suspicion.
Radiograph them very carefully.
And when you are able to tell us...
...what the subliminal,...
...hidden and / or underlying message is,...
...press the button.
You viewers can do the same.
Our advertisers are very happy fo us to talk about their ads.
That"s why they make them. So let"s start!
Swedish Maid Cool and smooth
Well, it seems we have a fight here.
Let"s give first go to...
...Toribio, who doesn"t seem to want to take anything home.
Well, I don"t know if this is it, but I"ll say it anyway.
They put this ad on in summer, which is when it"s hot.
Well, well, you all know that whoever manages to get...
...zero points, wins a pair of glasses.
Toribio, will we get them ready?
Akier? _Two tits and a green tanga.
Very good!
You"ve just won for yourself the TeleHere diary,...
...to keep you up_dated, with all the Sundays in red.
A big hand!
Attention!
St. Barbara
Eases your thirst
All the...
You have to wait, Toribio. Hang on.
How can I hang on? I haven"t got a phone.
Toribio, what did you see?
Toribio... What a name.
The sand in that desert you see drawn there...
...makes you thirsty,...
...and you can take that water, which is real good.
Yes, it"s good all right.
You"re the good one.
There"s a half naked girl in a bathing suit on the sand dune.
That"s it!
You"ve won this wonderful hamper...
...from Román Foodstores. You"ll be embarassed...
...to be seen with it, it"s so big.
Next one.
Well?
It looks like he"s lifting his girl"s skirt.
That"s it, Akier. Very good!
But you should have left it to Toribio,...
...and given us a laugh.
Toribio, any idea?
No, the same one.
_That he"s lifting... _Be quiet, don"t make it worse.
Well, Mr. Toribio.
As you"ve hit the button, say something in case...
...it makes sense.
I don"t know if it"s this,...
...but I think...
No, no, don"t give us the one about summer heat again.
People don"t watch us to waste their time.
No, I was going to say that...
...they put a photo of classical music with the cognac...
...because it"s got a lot of...
A lot of class and very ingenious.
A trip...
...to Portugal on Saturday to buy towels.
Toribio can go with you, on foot.
We got out the consolation glasses early on...
...and we saved time.
Look at the sunglasses you"re taking with you.
You"ll look like...
...Atom Ant!
If you"ve had a good time, we"ll see you on Monday.
A big round of applause!
Toribio!
Silence!
Our friend Toribio is going home with his lenses...
...and his stickers!
Where"s Gema? Gema!
Gema! Your cards!
Money! Settlement! Liquidation!
You"re taking a lot with you. You look like a hypermarket!
Average.
Next one.
Martín Zamora.
Martín Zamora Perdulí.
I still had the hope that I'd play very well...
...and they'd be pacified by the message...
...of what I'd play.
But my fingers shook...
...and I made three mistakes.
And they mustn't have liked how I played.
I shit myself again.
The little fuckers.
I could take it,...
...because I was used to them doing everything to me.
I suppose it's completely wrong to treat anybody like that,...
...but saying that is like barking at the moon.
I always put up with everything.
But Mom and Dad had a really bad time.
Really bad.
They were lucky because they had no jobs...
...so they didn't have to go outside...
...where they'd be seen.
And as they were at home all day,...
...they found out that I shit myself at school.
I'm sorry that they found out...
...just when Mom was beginning to get over the upset,...
...and Mom went under again.
At times, she screamed at night,...
...and she got dizzy and she took lots of pills.
She always vomited around 8 o'clock.
I swore I'd never be like them.
All that my mother got from the TV was garbage.
She got 1 5,900 pesetas...
...for all her work.
1 00 less than the Moschito cost her.
However, that paper they call a contract...
...was kind of odd. It was as if something seemed odd...
...about the violet stamp it had,...
...where it put Department of Employment and S.S.
I looked at it with the magnifying glass.
It didn't say Plus Ultra. It said Artlu Sulp,...
...which is Plus Ultra, but backwards.
So it was false.
I needed a lot of courage,...
...but today I don't regret being brave at times.
TELEHERE CONVICTED
All hell broke loose.
Because they"re annoyed. Don"t step on me, please!
They accuse us of falsifying documents...
...like they"d accuse us of having bad breath.
And you, get out of the way! You"re worse than they are!
""You get out of the way, you"re worse than they are!""
Give me my bag, Enrique, please.
Give me my bag!
I can walk by myself!
All I got was this.
A diary with a calendar but without a margin.
One afternoon I arrived home.
Dad and Mom were washed and dressed,...
...and both were wearing cologne.
Martín...
We were waiting for you.
We"re going out for some fresh air.
But where are you going in that overcoat?
It looks so dark and dismal. _ _It's going to be cold.
I know, but don"t you have that light colored raincoat?
It"s much nicer.
Yes, let"s get that raincoat. This looks more like a funeral.
That"s right. Let"s look jolly and bright.
Don"t you see how I look?
Look, Martín.
See the waves it"s making?
Sound spreads in the same way.
_Hey... What? _
These shoes are killing me.
Let"s sit down over there.
Martín...
Would you like to change cities?
Come and sit down!
Look.
We thought it was very boring here.
You have to move around, see new places.
We"re selling the house, and we thought of changing cities.
_What do you think? _All right.
Brave boy!
But tell him the whole story, not half of it.
Your Dad"s got a job, in Avia.
It"s half robotized, but with human elements.
So we"re going.
Well, in that case...
_Why are we hanging on? In case we fall! _
What a man!
I mean why are waiting around?
It"s better than waiting a square!
Will we go?
Of course we"ll go.
TeleHere closed down 7 months later.
Avanzada journalists found ...
...that many of its documents...
...were forged on a computer,...
...laser printer and digital copier.
And with 1 6 false stamps...
...used to forge official seals.
Akier couldn't claim his prizes.
Very often, after adolescence,...
...children like Martín...
...become happy adults.
They have no fear of failure.
Nothing can be worse...
...than what was.
Subtitles: LASERFILM